Ever since I graduated from college two years ago (exactly two years ago today!!) I think my attitudes towards certain things in life have changed. I’ve also been reading a lot of PF blogs, and I think this has contributed as well.
I think that most of us are raised to want the “American Dream.” But what is this dream that we envision? A big fancy house, nice cars parked up front, a vacation home, and a sparkling hunk of a diamond on your left hand (if you’re a girl), and to climb that corporate ladder like no other!! I never realized how engrained this idea is in our minds. Even the idea of getting married and having children…you never doubt that its not supposed to happen.
I might have mentioned this before, but I was sitting around with my mom, aunt, and sister one day when I mentioned “I think my next car is going to be a used one.” (I currently have a lease) Well, they nearly fell out of their seats and then they began to try their hardest to convince me NOT to do it!! It was an eye opener for me.
When we were younger my sister and I would talk about our dream homes. They had countless rooms, a pool house, a game room, huge kitchen….nowadays I can’t think of a house that big without thinking about how much energy it would take to maintain that house. How much money would go to a house that I wouldn’t even use half of. My thoughts have shifted from wanting it all, to just wanting enough.
When I was getting close to completing my degree I envisioned where I would be working. I tried to envision myself there, and tried to imagine how long it would take to get me promoted to a great position. Now when I think of that promotion, I just think about my bosses and how their hair has thinned and grayed since I met them, how when I get into work at 8am they’ve already been there several hours, and when I leave past 5 they still have a good few hours left until they will allow themselves to go home. I don’t want that stress anymore. I don’t want to live to work. I don’t need a luxury car, I don’t need a McMansion…
Have I lost my ambition?
I have really been torn with these thoughts for almost a year now. I’m happy with my career choice, I just don’t want it to be the center of my life. One part of me thinks I’m just being lazy and that I just don’t want to try as hard as I should….the other part of me says “screw what you ’should’ be doing its your life, and it doesn’t have to fit someone else’s mold.”
A few months ago an even more frightening thought entered my head….maybe I’m not supposed to have kids? How are you supposed to answer something like that?! I’m not too worried about this now. I’m not married and I’m young, but the realization that everything isn’t written in stone really shook me up. I guess thats what the quarterlife crisis is all about. Figuring out who you are and where you’re supposed to go. The thought of picking the wrong answers though really freaks me out. I could also go into my thoughts on my relationship with my BF, and where that is going…but I’m afraid I could go on with that for days.
I digress, but what I was getting at is how do you really know? How am I supposed to know if I’m really doing what I want, and I’m not just settling for a path of less resistance? How do I know its not just what I want right now, and not what will be best for me in the future? I don’t want to settle, but I don’t want to spend my life chasing a dream that isn’t mine.
[sigh]. I thought I was getting over this quarterlife crisis nonsense…I guess its only begun.
May 6, 2008 at 9:53 am
Wow, do I know what you mean.
I’ve always felt that the American Dream life was a little restricting–and complete nonsense. My family (divorces, remarriages, step- and half-siblings) definitely doesn’t resemble the “ideal” but I managed to survive and come out a pretty cool person. I moved to a location where I will probably never own property, much less a house with a yard and a picket fence. I’ve been engaged and ended it, realizing that a relationship does not have to be moving towards anything to be valuable and worthwhile. I realized a long time ago that while I want kids sometimes, that’s a lifelong commitment I’m not sure I really want to make.
I’m currently fighting my mother’s dreams of how my life should have turned out (at 27, I am pretty much an old maid to her). My life is AWESOME. I have my own apartment, a job I love, fantastic friends, a fulfilling relationship. Probably the only thing missing is a cat, and that’s a trade off I’m willing to make right now. THIS is the life that I want, not some suburban family fantasy.
May 6, 2008 at 11:04 am
Great post. First, let me applaud you for realizing the McMansion is not the key to happiness, but can often be a waste of resources. I wish more people thought this way…sigh…and nothing is wrong with a used car. Isn’t a new car the fastest depreciating thing you can own?
I’m sure I used to want the American Dream. Growing up you assume you’ll have a partner, kids, a job, a house, some pets, maybe a cabin at the lake. And on some sort of time schedule. Well, my time schedule has been severely skewed and I honestly think I’m the better off for it. I feel that my winding path has given me time to truly think about some of the things that I want, instead of just following a prescribed norm. Of course, sometimes I do bemoan my “behind the crowd” status…nobody is perfect right? But then I try to put things in perspective.
May 6, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Um, did you just read my mind?
Just want to say, I hear ya!
May 6, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I think we have to focus on what we are doing now and what we enjoy now and that will lead us to where we should and want to be. Obviously still plan for your future, as all us pfbloggers do, but be open to different paths. I get overwhelmed when I think about what I want to do next and where I want to be. I constantly have to remind myself that I love my 9-5, I love the freedom it brings, and I love my life. It brings me back to earth.
May 6, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I actually went back today and read some other posts I had remembered seeing…like Well-Heeled (The roaring 20’s) and Stacking Pennies (Living the Questions). Its easy for me to forget that I’m not alone in my thoughts and struggles.
I have to constantly remind myself that its not just about the destination (how cliche!), I have to enjoy myself along the way. And everything happens for a reason, or so I like to tell myself.
May 6, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Great post
I often get caught up in comparing myself to my peers (i.e. how prestigious their jobs are, how much they’re making, possessions, relationships, etc.) and these thoughts don’t accomplish anything other than making me feel even more bummed out.
When I feel blue, I try to remind myself of all the intangible things I have that money cannot buy…awesome parents, friends who always have my back, a BFF in my brother, a roof over my head, and a healthy body and mind.
I, too, think that everything happens for a reason. It’s important to remember that life is a journey and that if everything was mapped out in advance, we wouldn’t have nearly as much fun.
May 6, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Reading your post, I feel like I wrote it. You spelled out everything I have in my mind right now. Well, except few things like marital status (I’m married)and age (I’m 30).
I agree with what you said on your post. I don’t want to live to work. There are days when I feel like I want to quit my boring and stressful job…and do something I truly love. Not for the money.
May 6, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Amen, sister.
I don’t think you have lost your ambition at all; rather, I think you have realized the simplicity of what is truly important.
Welcome to maturity
Few actually reach it! You will be a much happier and successful person leading life in this manner, I think. But of course, that depends on what your interpretation of success is…
Thanks for the post, I enjoyed it. Loved it, really.
May 6, 2008 at 9:47 pm
hi quarterlifegal,
i think of these things too.
Recently i’ve been reading a book called S.H.A.P.E (by Erik Rees)
there was a line inside that jumped out at me:
i was made not to compare, to compete but to contribute.
It shocked me out of my ‘get more money, get promoted, get better’ mode and stopped me to think how i can actually give rather than get.
counter-culture i know, esp with advertising slamming you as uncool if you don’t have the latest (fill in the blank).
Try to get hold of the book!
either that, or try Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.
i hope this encourages you. in the end, its really the lives we touch and love that can outlive us, not our homes, cars, careers, even $.
Be a world changer!
Blessings,
Lyd
May 6, 2008 at 11:01 pm
I think that it is okay to not want the “typical” american dream. A used car is fine. A small house is fine. My idea of what ‘great life” is has changed so much over the years and it comes out of watching my life and looking back. I have come to the conclusion that simplier is better. I just wish sometimes that kids could see that. spending time, talking, listening, being, just being is so important. I wish I could have a small home in the country, somewhere cool, warm and welcoming where people felt at home. That’s what I would need to be happy. that with the people I care about around me. And less conflict in my life. that’s what I think about now a days.
May 7, 2008 at 2:23 am
Thank You Thank You,
Everthing in life happens for a reason and our parents has a habit of moulding us into what they want us to be. And often many of us live the dreams of our parents! One dont need a Mansion or fancy car to be something in this day and age but one needs inner peace.
Thank you again for reminding me of my dreams
May 7, 2008 at 11:40 am
I didn’t comment when I first read this (it was at night!) but I wanted to say that I loved this post.
You know, in the pf world, if you would say “I think my next car will be a leased one…” every pf blogger would say “Noooo! Why???!”
It is difficult when our values shift away from those of our family!
May 7, 2008 at 11:53 am
[...] itself. I don’t know how I’m going to figure that out.) Quarterlifegirl wrote a really excellent post about chasing dreams, and what it means when your dreams change. Getting my M.S. degree while [...]
May 7, 2008 at 12:10 pm
@ Stacking Pennies: Tell me about it!! That has been one of the hardest things to deal with (family) as time goes by, yet I hadn’t given it real thought until you wrote that, lol.
…and thanks to everyone who has commented.
When I wrote this post I didn’t think it’d get this much attention (its been my highest viewed and commented post ever!). To be honest I was having a mini-breakdown. Its so easy to feel lonley when those around you don’t necessarily agree, and it just feel SO GREAT to know I’m not alone and that its completely normal, and normal to want something different (sounds like a contradiction!) So thanks!
May 19, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I’m moving out of my quarterlife crisis (just turned 27), and all I can say is that you just have to do what feels right, and forget the external pressures.
I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day or obsessed about marriage and children. But I met a man I fell in love with, and I just knew it was right. If it never felt right with a guy, I’d have stayed single.
Now the pressure is to have a baby (it actually started before the wedding!). But, just like with marriage, I’ll do it when it feels right, and not a day sooner. When you start ignoring the outside world it becomes so much easier to listen to yourself. Maybe you’ll end up with the “Dream,” maybe not. But it’s only a dream if it is truly right for you.
May 19, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Also wanted to add that I saw myself in some fast-paced career, climbing the corporate ladder and being the boss in no time. Then I got out in the real world, and I find that I’m happier where I’m at right now. I see the directors taking work home every night, working weekends, answering e-mail even when they’re laid up with the flu. No thanks. I like clocking out and being done with it at the end of the day. I like going home and not thinking about work AT ALL. Yeah, I sort of feel like maybe I lost the ambition I once had, but I also think I didn’t know what it was I was wanting when I envisioned all of that at 18 years old. What the heck did I know then?
I want to spend my nights cooking with my husband, and spend our weekends watching movies and being lazy together. I wouldn’t accept a promotion if it meant giving that up.
March 19, 2009 at 4:34 am
EXCELLENT POST!!!! i can’t thank you enough and ofcourse other blog’s out there who takes the time to share their quarterlife crisis or whatever one calls this is. i’m exactly in this point of life too. really reevaluating my hopes and dreams, what i thought that makes me happy are not making me happy or giving the satisfaction that i thought i would have
. forget what is expected (living large and all), i want simplicity and happiness 
.