Comments on: Parental Pressure

By: Parental Pressure: My response « QuarterLife Finances

Parental Pressure: My response « QuarterLife Finances — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:45:21 +0000

[...] under family, pyschology of money I got a lot of interesting comments on my post about the pressure my friend is getting from her parents. Several of you pretty much reinforced the way I feel about [...]

By: eastside resident

eastside resident — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 01:07:50 +0000

You are very, very lucky to have parents who understand you. My families are like that too; however, my husband’s families are the opposite. They keep on pressuring us to have kids, to move closer to them (NO thanks!!!), even to have a real big wedding (we were married in a civil court during our lunch break;spent $50, and… this was almost 5 years ago!!! I say to them get over it–unless they are paying for the wedding, forget about it).

By: Barry Lauterwasser

Barry Lauterwasser — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:05:37 +0000

1. She needs to be the grown up, and move out.
2. You need to do the same.

Good luck!

By: SealedScrolls

SealedScrolls — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 17:43:42 +0000

I admit to being in a similar situation at the moment, but for different reasons, I still live at home, I help with the mortgage but because I don’t want to see my mom have to keep paying a mortage up until she’s seventy.

I’m constantly talking about wanting to finally move out and have a place of my own (am in dire need of a job at this point.. but I’m looking) and my mother supports me, understands the need and desire to be on my own.

I don’t understand how parents can want their children to stay home to help them pay for things they shouldn’t have to pay for.

By: Little Miss Moneybags

Little Miss Moneybags — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:26:31 +0000

I think this is really wrong. There are a lot of problems with our generation not growing up and taking responsibility for our lives as previous generations have done, and your friend’s parents are discouraging her from any independence? That’s terrible.

I don’t have a problem with people moving back home for a reason, especially for financial reasons. I do have a problem with people living at home because they CAN’T be on their own, independent, financially responsible, or otherwise act like the grown-ups they are.

If I were your friend, I would tell my parents that THEY were being selfish by preventing me from using the lessons they’d given me in independence and responsibility to live on my own. She didn’t have any say in their mortgage, right? So why should she contribute to it? When they all look at and buy a house TOGETHER, then she has a responsibility to help them with it. Frankly, I think she needs to get out–and quickly.

By: Stacey

Stacey — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:10:32 +0000

“We’re practically adults, right?”
Scratch the “practically.” We ARE adults at the age of 24, and have been for several years.

My in-laws were the same way when we wanted to buy a house – they were very set against it, and they wanted us to move back in with them after the wedding. (Um, bad idea?) Maybe your friend’s parents are also feeling overprotective, and can’t seem to view their daughter as an adult.

It’s been a rough year dealing with our parents, but it makes me firmly believe that young adults need to stand up for themselves, grow, and learn from their mistakes. It makes me sad that your friend (and my husband) have such unhealthy relationships with their parents.

By: So Cal Savvy

So Cal Savvy — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:43:50 +0000

My gut reaction agrees with the previous posts!

However, it might be good to look at the culture she comes from. Does she happen to be a culture that values family connectedness or one where adult children typically live at home until they start their own households? If so, she is experiencing a rift between old-world and new-world values. This is a diffucult situtation to be in, but one that is not new to many second-generation Americans. Looking at it from assimulated American eyes could belittle her cultural background and paint her parent’s in an unflattering light. Unless you’ve been through a similar situtation (which I haven’t) one would have little experience from which to judge the parents.

I hope you continue to be supportive of your friend while she deals with this issue!

By: paranoidasteroid

paranoidasteroid — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:01:44 +0000

My only guess in this situation is that her parents have become dependent on her contributions. I cannot fathom anyone being so unreasonable that they would expect their child to live at home.

Suggest to your friend that she talk to her parents. If the are in some financial trouble, your friend can decide what to do then. But if they don’t share that with her, it will ruin their relationship.

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:09:35 +0000

This post made me want to cry. I totally second FruGal and tom’s comments. Are her parents invalids or seriously ill? Those are the only reasons I could think of that she might need to stay at home. Unbelievable. I really feel for her. I moved out when I was 18 and my dad totally hated me for it for a long time. He took it as a personal affront when it was just me asserting my independence and wanting to start my young adult life on my own terms. He reacted the same way when I chose to move to a different city. It will be VERY hard for your friend but in the end she will be glad she made her own decisions. Some parents are control freaks and will run your life forever if you let them.

By: tom

tom — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:24:56 +0000

That is unacceptable of the parents to pressure her to do that. If they cannot afford the mortgage then they have to figure that out for themselves, not rely on their daughter and, eventually, son. If her parents can afford the mortgage and just want her to live at home, then that is unacceptable too. She is an adult, let her make her own decisions.