Disclaimer: This post started off as a comment to the last post, but morphed into it’s own thing as I sat on my couch feeling sorry for myself. The majority of parenthetical statements were made as I re-read the post to make sure I wasn’t rambling. Which explains why the tone might jump around a bit. If I was a serious blogger I probably wouldn’t post this, but what the heck….
Thank you all for the encouraging comments. You guys are so sweet. Without any real-life friends I can be completely honest with (or am scared of being completely honest with), you guys are the next best thing.
This is the first time I have really ever gotten my heart broken…much less after such a long relationship. I’m sure this is normal, and I KNOW I’m not the first or the only one to feel this way, but it’s proving to be incredibly hard.
I’m fine one minute, and think I have it all figured out and I’m ready to live my life. Next thing you know, I sit on the couch, something runs across my mind, and I realize that the life I thought I had in front of me has drastically changed. And the uncontrollable sobbing begins again. I’m tempted to fill up my schedule so that I don’t have TIME to think about how I feel, but I’m pretty sure I’d just end up breaking down eventually. (And worse, in public or at work.) Part of me is glad that I have a three day weekend to digest this so that I can function at work on Tuesday, but all this free time….I don’t want to fill it up with sobbing, curled up on the couch. (My eyes can’t take that.)
I wonder how long I’ll feel this way. And sadly, the foremost recurring thought is: who is going to be the first to change their facebook status? And after that, how long will it be before he starts sleeping with other girls? He was my first love….not to mention the only guy I’ve ever been with. I can’t imagine him with someone else. I DON’T WANT TO. (Fact: I was also his first serious relationship….which I’m sure is what partially led him to conclude that he wants to experience life on his own since we started dating so young. Which I’m not sure if that basically translates to “sleep around a bit.” Or maybe that’s just me being cynical and over-dramatic? In that case, his “in a relationship” status kind of calms me….since the majority of potential sleeping partners would eventually be checking that. Yes….I’m a pathetic and silly girl.)
He wants me to “stay in his life”…what does that mean, and will I be able to handle that without repeatedly wondering/hoping if he will take me back? Should I even want him to take me back? (Again with the honesty, part of me is desperately hoping he won’t make it past one week and will realize that I’m enough to make him happy.)
He called me yesterday to check on how I was doing. (I guess to make sure I’m not suicidal? He saw what a mess I’d become when I was unemployed….) He sounded pretty miserable, and I felt bad about that because I had made an effort to sound really cheery when I answered the phone….but I can’t help but be mad at him. It hurt so much when he said that he felt he was doing the right thing. Afterall, that makes me the WRONG thing. And yet I was encouraging that last night….trying to convince myself that he was right.
Yeah….I’m a bit of a mess right now, even though I want to deny it to myself. My cousins daughter’s birthday party is this afternoon and I can’t figure out what I should do…go and face my life (including having to answer to everyone asking “where’s [the BF], is he coming today?”, or stay in and cry ’til my eyes hurt. I did the whole “on the verge of tears” yesterday, but apparently that didn’t help because I bawled my eyes out just now.
I guess it’s a process that I can’t rush. (But oh, how I want to rush it….get it over with…)
I’ll try not to turn this blog into a mopey mess, but I’m not always good at that, and when it comes down to it this blog has always been more of a journal for me than a how-to guide when it comes to finances. I hope you understand that, and I appreciate you sticking around.
May 30, 2011 at 12:12 am
I’m a lurker and have only de-lurked to give you some advice and encouragement. I hope that’s not obnoxious.
I’ve been through something similar and if you don’t mind my saying so – don’t contact him and tell him not to contact you for at least 6 months. He wanted the time apart to be on his own, let him do it. Having you to depend on emotionally, while he goes out and dates – it’s not fair to you and not realistic. You may get back together, you may not.
Also, why don’t you put your FB as inactive for a while? Just say you have alot of work to do or that it’s blocked at work or whatever. Then just change your status while it’s inactive and I’m sure it won’t show up (maybe even google this to make sure) as a change.
Finally, you can do it and it will get better. I know it’s a horrible time for you but just focus on work, eating well, exercise, your hobbies and sleeping if you can. I don’t know what city you’re in but this is a great time to make friends. Check out meetup.com or even some crafts groups..
Just know that strangers from all over the world are sending you good, positive vibes right now.
May 30, 2011 at 1:32 pm
Really? 6 months? He called me yesterday after I’d posted this, and we spoke for a while….clarified a couple things I’d been wondering (and yes, confirmed my belief that essentially he wanted to date other people). He said I could call whenever I want if I needed to talk, but I told him I wanted to wait at least a few weeks before we spoke again. As far as FB goes, I gave him until today while he let his parents know, and I changed my status this morning. I don’t want to cut off my only access to what few friends might want to reach out to me, so I didn’t feel it was necessary to go inactive. We’ll see though….thank you for the advice. I appreciate it! =]
May 31, 2011 at 7:55 am
Id wait at least those few weeks before having any contact with him.
Saro is right, it isn’t fair to you if he uses you as an emotional crutch during this hard time for both of you. And it isn’t really “moving on” if you keep contacting each other.
Good luck with everything, and know that you can reach out to us here on the internet.
June 1, 2011 at 12:41 am
Yes, six months. I know it sounds harsh but think about it, he wants time to figure things out. Give him the time. This also gives you the time to make yourself stronger, figure some things out and learning to live without him. Trust me, this will be a good time for both of you – whether you get back together or not. I see more relationships getting back together after they do something like this (as amicable as possible, with easily understood parameters on both sides, & plenty of time apart) then the other way (where the couple continues in a psuedo-broken up fashion)
Make it a clean break. I’ve seen too many women spend years and years trying to give emotional support to confused men and not having their own needs met. If he needs the break, let him see what a real break from you feels like.
Sorry if it sounds harsh, it comes from experience.
May 30, 2011 at 11:54 am
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I went through an awful breakup last year and ended up going on blog hiatus for a while because I had nothing but depressing things to write. I’m still not 100% over him (well, should amend to say I’m completely over HIM but not necessarily the IDEA of him! Haha), but I am definitely a thousand times better than I was. All I can suggest is to remember the motto of those videos that are out there for gays/lesbians: it gets better. I think that phrase applies to SO much in life, and hopefully it will at least make you feel a little bit better to know that somehow you will get through it and move on to bigger and better things. If it’s meant to be, you guys will find your way back to each other – but if it’s not, you will regret the time you wasted on him. (I know I do!)
Feel free to drop me an email anytime if you want to mope to me via email instead of posting it on the blog – I am always more than happy to listen and do my best to make you feel better.
Big hugs!
May 30, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Thank you Laura! One weird thing that came up in my mind that might help me deal with this was “who can I use as a ‘break-up role model’?” And I actually thought of you! (Hope that doesn’t weird you out, lol.) I’m sure things will get better, but I feel this urge to just rush it and be completely healed RIGHT NOW. Time is just barely inching by….Thanks for your offer. You might be “hearing” from me soon…
May 30, 2011 at 3:03 pm
This sucks and I feel for you. I had a breakup after a 10 year relationship, and it was agonizing but it did get better and easier. I do agree that you need to get some space from him, and maybe it’s a good time to try to develop more real world relationships to fill up that space. It’s a transitional time for you with the new job, and it’s going to be difficult to get through it but worth it in the end.
My breakup happened before Facebook, and I endured 6 months of emails in which the ex would write me emails to tell me how great his life was going without me. THen he tried to get back together with me, but by that time I had completely moved on.
May 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm
I very much sympathize on just wanting to be DONE with bad phases of life like breakups…sadly, it really does take time, especially when you are with someone so long (my longest relationship was 4 years, so I can only imagine 8 would be twice as hard!). But, know that you are strong and you can make it through!
I second saro’s advice on no contact for a while. Talking to or seeing him won’t help you heal. For now, focus on taking care of yourself, and above all, be gentle with yourself!
May 30, 2011 at 10:24 pm
I’m so sorry you have to go through this – so painful, so dreadful. You will make it through, and only get stronger and better, but there really is nothing to say to make the immediate future more helpful.
Reach out to us blog friends, and anyone in your real life that seems to be ready to listen – people are surprisingly compassionate and eager to help. Well, a lot of them are at least.
Although not a hard fast rule, I too recommend the no contact route. I have only really been on the other side of this coin, but (after the initial couple weeks of rocky breakupness) I knew enough to respect my ex and not contact him unless he first contacted me. He never did. Sometimes people can’t “be a part of your life” if they can’t do it in the way you need/want. On the other hand, sometimes they can, and you’ll figure out which is true for you in time.
hang in there, and pleeease feel free to email to chat about the break up, or really, anything that you would typically tell him if you are feeling lonely.
Hang in there!
June 1, 2011 at 10:37 am
I’m going through the same thing right now. A little different in that my parents dont agree to the marriage proposal, so we are breaking up not because we dont want to be with each other but rather bc our parents wouldnt be happy.
but he is my BEST friend, i love him to death, and i’m not just IN love with him.
its breaking me apart. im having physical symptoms.
i wish you quick recovery.
June 3, 2011 at 1:20 pm
I have to agree with everyone else that no contact for a while would be ideal. When I broke up with my college BF (of 4-plus years), we continued to talk and hang out and it ended up being almost another YEAR since we broke up to do what we should have done before. Of course you still love each other, but you have to remember that he’s choosing to not be with you. It’s harsh, but he made his decision, and you don’t have to make it easy for him. He lost the right to your time and company when he broke up with you. Good luck. Things DO work out in the end!
June 3, 2011 at 1:20 pm
Also: try reading “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken.”
June 7, 2011 at 1:07 pm
I’m so sorry for what’s recently happened with you and I pray you’ll overcome quicker than you believe.
Thank you for sharing this post. I’m a lurker and I never comment but I had to thank you for sharing this with us. Your post, yesterday, it made me realize that I need to get a life. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and I have no one outside of him. No girlfriends, just family and they aren’t local. It’s time for me to get out and get involved.
Thanks
June 10, 2011 at 5:20 pm
A good friend of mine went through something similar. Her boyfriend broke up with her because he needed space, etc.. He also said that he wanted to keep her in his life but after a few emails, she went the no-contact route and told him he should only contact her once he figured things out. Well, time passed, and he moved on and so did she. I think the idea of staying in contact is to make the person who did the breaking up feel less guilty/bad. It is not in the best interest of the one who got dumped to stay in touch.
If this makes you feel better, my friend did move on and married a great guy years later.
Good luck.
June 16, 2011 at 8:46 pm
Aw shit, that sucks. I agree with the people above me, no contact for a while, while you heal. I know it hurts. Reach out to friends and family, after my ex broke up with me after 4.5 years I had to move home (across Canada, nonetheless) and basically came back to nothing. It sucked but I learned a few things.
If you ever need to vent feel free to email me
I’m usually up at random hours (sleeping problems)