This morning I read this post in FB’s link love. I feel the same way right now.

I don’t want more space, the BF hasn’t asked for more space…but I know the necessity is there. Its something I try not to think about too often, simply because I love spending time with him. If I could quit my job just to lounge around the house with him, I probably would. (I can’t, and don’t worry, I won’t.)

Thats exactly why I need to do this.

No, I’m not asking him for more space…if anything I’ve been getting too much of it lately. His schedule is completely the opposite of mine, and often the only time we spend together is from 5pm on Sundays until whatever time it is I need to go to sleep. If I’m lucky I get to see him on Monday. As a result I’ve been hanging around at home…not doing much of anything…watching TV. It has got to stop. I have no life apart from him. I had friends once upon a time, but now they’re all either in another city, or they have friends and lives of their own. Its time for me to venture out and make new friends, distract myself, and live for myself…not for him.

Last weekend he said to me in a conversation “don’t do [something] for me, do it for you”. When he said that it was one of those moments…I realized “holy crap, I’m doing this all for him”. I’ve been planning this future life that I’m not even sure is going to exist. Its not a matter of me having been planning something I didn’t want…the sad part is I don’t know what I want. I stop and think about what I want to achieve in life and there is nothing. I don’t want to achieve anything. I just want to know that I’ll be with him 10 years from now.

I’m losing myself and its going to stop now.

I’m starting with baby steps.

I have been wanting to sign up for some kind of class , but I keep saying I’ll take it “in the future”. I looked into it this morning and I found some belly dancing classes not too far from work. They’re $140 for 8 classes, and I can take extras at $15/class (or $120 for 10). I’m going to a trial class this Saturday, and I’m looking at signing up for one that is in the evenings during the week. Hopefully the class is to my liking, and I’ll be signing up for those 8 classes. (I just noticed that bellydancing isn’t even on that list of mine, but I’m familiar with it and since new things intimidate me I think its a good place to start.) 

We’ve been together for 5 years. I met him in middle school, became friends (and we had a huuuge crushes on eachother) in high school, and we started dating when I was 19. My biggest fear is that we’re changing (or just plain growing up)…and that eventually he’ll change enough to realize that I’m not really what he wants. This terrifies me, but there’s nothing I can do about that short of changing who I am…and that is not what I want to do. I need to let go of that fear, and just LIVE. If it happens…so be it. It wasn’t meant to be. I hope it doesn’t have to come to that though. =[

Advertisements