I’m not sure where I am sometimes. Some days I feel great, like I’m on top of the world…nothing could be any better. And then there are times when I let my guard down and I get this strange anxiety….I’m scared of moving forward, yet I’m terrified of moving backwards.

I’m pulling myself in so many directions right now. When I come home at night I have so many things fighting for my attention: my boyfriend, my family, my new business, my former (failed?) business, my workouts, my hobby, other hobbies I want to take on, my halted home search, my clutter. Right now, actually, I feel as though my life is just a huge collection of clutter.

I’m wondering if right now is the best time to start up this baking business. I’m just now starting to realize that the last “business” I took on is on the brink of failure. I’m not even sure how I’m defining that, as I haven’t given it proper attention in months,  and I’ve never made any intelligent decisions regarding that business. It was based emotions. I ran it for a few years, but even through steady business I still managed to build up thousands of dollars worth of inventory that never sold. It stares me in the face every day, and its eating me up. It’ll take me years to sell it all, but in the meantime just thinking about it makes me cringe and makes me want to cry. I don’t have to give up….I can keep working on it on the side, calling up old customers, but it just exhausts me thinking about it and I freeze and want to bury it and never look at it again. I don’t want the same to happen with my new business. (It feels so ridiculous for me to be even thinking of starting something new considering I have a failure hanging over my head. I mean, who am I to think I could do this? I feel like I’m just jumping from one thing to another, and already I’m anticipating the same outcome as my last endeavor.)

I want to do so many things, and when I start asking myself if its too much I stop myself and try to forget I ever had the question. I think I know the answer though: yes. I am trying to do too much. But again, admitting it would feel like failure…I’d have to give something up. How am I supposed to choose?!

This feels a little like breaking up. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Either way, someone will be unhappy, even if in the long run its for the best.

So yeah, I’m sorry for the long-winded and overdramatic post on a Monday morning, but that’s the state of my mind these days. While I’m busy I’m fine…as soon as I have a minute to think about “where I’m going”, that’s where I start second-guessing what I’m doing with my life, and if I should stop trying so hard. And sadly, I think I should.

For starters, while those 25 goals are good in theory, I have too much going on right now to stress about whether or not I’ve learned that guitar song yet, or if there are enough weekends left to get all those museum visits in, or if I’ve found a pattern for a dress with a petticoat. All things I’d like to do, but they really stress me out just having them listed on my blog page every day, and its not going to alter my life goals if I don’t get them done before I’m 25.  I need to give up the guitar, the hopes of becoming a master seamstress, and a master baker all at once. One thing at a time.

So in the next few days don’t be surprised if you see my “goal” pages become a lot more….simple. I’m not giving up, I’m just slowing down. I need to sit down and figure out where my priorities, what I want, and why I want it. Because right now its all just too much.

Advertisements