Some days you wake up, and nothing is enough. Its hard to explain, but I’m having one of those mornings.

I’m not sure if its good or bad….one the one hand, I feel as though I’m top of the world. I’m dressed fabulously (vain at all?), I’m getting better at my job, I’m loving my new car….and then, well, suddenly that’s not enough. Suddenly I get an email from Nine West with a fabulous pair of blue sandals and a matching purse and all I can think about is getting a new pair of shoes. (The blue sandals are no longer available in my size, by the way.) And then I remember I want a new dress, and I’m counting down the days until I can sneak off to American Apparel (“days” only because I can’t go tonight). I get another email from my real estate agent (an apartment for $89k! although it may be a 1bdrm), and I’m all the more impatient to spread out to my own place and start furnishing the damn place. Afterall, I’m “on top of the world” right?

Suddenly I’m wondering why I’m counting all my pennies, limiting my spending, when I’m just sitting on a fat pile of money that’s itching to be spent. Suddenly I’m doubting that I’m as immune to consumerism as I thought I was.

My “on top of the world” feeling is just a sign that I’m that close to getting out of control. I guess its the same feeling that teenagers get that cause them to behave recklessly and put themselves in danger. That’s how I feel. While I feel good, I feel like I’m in danger….things can go very wrong while I’m feeling like this.

No point to this really, other than trying to sort out what’s going on. Maybe I just need to make a trip to the mall to realize that its not all as wonderful as I remember? Maybe I just need to let myself slip a little to get it out of my system? Or maybe I should just go back home and look at the clothes that’s scattered all over the room my closet to remind me that I don’t need more stuff?

I’ll get over it. Its all just a cycle, and next thing you know I’ll be back to scrimp mode.

(It actually goes beyond the urge to shop. Except that stuff is way harder to describe. Its like what I’m doing with my life is just not enough….like I need to get up right now and go get MORE. But more of what? That’s as far as I’ve gotten.)