That is how long I was unemployed.

There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now. So many things I want to share, but it’ll be a while before I can get all of my emotions in order. One thing I realize though is that for this past year I kept thinking “as soon as I find a job it’ll all be over. I can return to my former life, and this will all have been nothing but a distant memory….” Well, I was wrong. This isn’t over.

I’ll tell you more about my new job in another post, save for one detail….it pays less. A LOT less than I got paid at my last job.

One of the reasons I stayed away from this blog for so long (other than my supposed excuse of not having an “enter” key on my keyboard) was that I was embarrassed. Embarrassed I’d been unemployed for so long and still hadn’t been able to get a job, when everyone else around me was getting hired. I wasย  embarrassed of the fact that I was suddenly hesitant to apply for lower-paying jobs when I’d previously stated that I didn’t think anything was “beneath me”. I didn’t want to work retail, I didn’t want to work a “mindless job”, I didn’t want to make less than $30,000 a year. I was stubborn. In my mind, as soon as I took a job in any of those categories my situation was no longer temporary… was real. I’d have to cut back. I could no longer sustain this lifestyle.

Deep down inside, I didn’t want to work. I was enjoying myself…..a lady of leisure, minus the husband that pays for everything. I could go join my boyfriend for lunch in the middle of the day. I was enjoying my new hobby, and discovering even more things to do. It rocked, really. Except I was financing this lifestyle with my savings, which were slowly (or not so slowly, actually) dwindling.

Don’t get me wrong though, I was still looking for work the whole time….but I can’t exactly say it was an aggressive search.

What I’m basically saying is I was delusional. I was living in this fantasy world where my unemployment existed in a vacuum. It wasn’t really happening. For most people unemployment would’ve been PF blogging GOLD! Hello! When else are budgets more important than when you have no money coming in?! However I retreated.

Nothing is more evident to me now….I have a spending problem. Instead of budgeting like a madwoman I resigned to having to spend all of my savings. What else could I do, right? I proceeded to spend as if I was still more than I did when I was making $60k a year!

You know, I always think back to a comment someone made once on this blog…to paraphrase, they basically questioned whether having such a big emergency fund was really a good idea. If I had enough money to last me over a year without working, wouldn’t that be counter productive? I wouldn’t be motivated to go out and find a job right away. I’m sad to say they were right.

Anyway, I don’t start my new job until Monday, but I figured it was time I broke the silence here. Thanks to anyone still reading! And please, no disparaging comments. It’s taken a lot of effort for me to be this open, so please be respectful.