Disclaimer: This post started off as a comment to the last post, but morphed into it’s own thing as I sat on my couch feeling sorry for myself. The majority of parenthetical statements were made as I re-read the post to make sure I wasn’t rambling. Which explains why the tone might jump around a bit. If I was a serious blogger I probably wouldn’t post this, but what the heck….
Thank you all for the encouraging comments. You guys are so sweet. Without any real-life friends I can be completely honest with (or am scared of being completely honest with), you guys are the next best thing.
This is the first time I have really ever gotten my heart broken…much less after such a long relationship. I’m sure this is normal, and I KNOW I’m not the first or the only one to feel this way, but it’s proving to be incredibly hard.
I’m fine one minute, and think I have it all figured out and I’m ready to live my life. Next thing you know, I sit on the couch, something runs across my mind, and I realize that the life I thought I had in front of me has drastically changed. And the uncontrollable sobbing begins again. I’m tempted to fill up my schedule so that I don’t have TIME to think about how I feel, but I’m pretty sure I’d just end up breaking down eventually. (And worse, in public or at work.) Part of me is glad that I have a three day weekend to digest this so that I can function at work on Tuesday, but all this free time….I don’t want to fill it up with sobbing, curled up on the couch. (My eyes can’t take that.)
I wonder how long I’ll feel this way. And sadly, the foremost recurring thought is: who is going to be the first to change their facebook status? And after that, how long will it be before he starts sleeping with other girls? He was my first love….not to mention the only guy I’ve ever been with. I can’t imagine him with someone else. I DON’T WANT TO. (Fact: I was also his first serious relationship….which I’m sure is what partially led him to conclude that he wants to experience life on his own since we started dating so young. Which I’m not sure if that basically translates to “sleep around a bit.” Or maybe that’s just me being cynical and over-dramatic? In that case, his “in a relationship” status kind of calms me….since the majority of potential sleeping partners would eventually be checking that. Yes….I’m a pathetic and silly girl.)
He wants me to “stay in his life”…what does that mean, and will I be able to handle that without repeatedly wondering/hoping if he will take me back? Should I even want him to take me back? (Again with the honesty, part of me is desperately hoping he won’t make it past one week and will realize that I’m enough to make him happy.)
He called me yesterday to check on how I was doing. (I guess to make sure I’m not suicidal? He saw what a mess I’d become when I was unemployed….) He sounded pretty miserable, and I felt bad about that because I had made an effort to sound really cheery when I answered the phone….but I can’t help but be mad at him. It hurt so much when he said that he felt he was doing the right thing. Afterall, that makes me the WRONG thing. And yet I was encouraging that last night….trying to convince myself that he was right.
Yeah….I’m a bit of a mess right now, even though I want to deny it to myself. My cousins daughter’s birthday party is this afternoon and I can’t figure out what I should do…go and face my life (including having to answer to everyone asking “where’s [the BF], is he coming today?”, or stay in and cry ’til my eyes hurt. I did the whole “on the verge of tears” yesterday, but apparently that didn’t help because I bawled my eyes out just now.
I guess it’s a process that I can’t rush. (But oh, how I want to rush it….get it over with…)
I’ll try not to turn this blog into a mopey mess, but I’m not always good at that, and when it comes down to it this blog has always been more of a journal for me than a how-to guide when it comes to finances. I hope you understand that, and I appreciate you sticking around.