Disclaimer: This post started off as a comment to the last post, but morphed into it’s own thing as I sat on my couch feeling sorry for myself. The majority of parenthetical statements were made as I re-read the post to make sure I wasn’t rambling. Which explains why the tone might jump around a bit. If I was a serious blogger I probably wouldn’t post this, but what the heck….

Thank you all for the encouraging comments. You guys are so sweet. Without any real-life friends I can be completely honest with (or am scared of being completely honest with), you guys are the next best thing.

This is the first time I have really ever gotten my heart broken…much less after such a long relationship. I’m sure this is normal, and I KNOW I’m not the first or the only one to feel this way, but it’s proving to be incredibly hard.

I’m fine one minute, and think I have it all figured out and I’m ready to live my life. Next thing you know, I sit on the couch, something runs across my mind, and I realize that the life I thought I had in front of me has drastically changed. And the uncontrollable sobbing begins again. I’m tempted to fill up my schedule so that I don’t have TIME to think about how I feel, but I’m pretty sure I’d just end up breaking down eventually. (And worse, in public or at work.) Part of me is glad that I have a three day weekend to digest this so that I can function at work on Tuesday, but all this free time….I don’t want to fill it up with sobbing, curled up on the couch. (My eyes can’t take that.)

I wonder how long I’ll feel this way. And sadly, the foremost recurring thought is: who is going to be the first to change their facebook status? And after that, how long will it be before he starts sleeping with other girls? He was my first love….not to mention the only guy I’ve ever been with. I can’t imagine him with someone else. I DON’T WANT TO. (Fact: I was also his first serious relationship….which I’m sure is what partially led him to conclude that he wants to experience life on his own since we started dating so young. Which I’m not sure if that basically translates to “sleep around a bit.” Or maybe that’s just me being cynical and over-dramatic? In that case, his “in a relationship” status kind of calms me….since the majority of potential sleeping partners would eventually be checking that. Yes….I’m a pathetic and silly girl.)

He wants me to “stay in his life”…what does that mean, and will I be able to handle that without repeatedly wondering/hoping if he will take me back? Should I even want him to take me back? (Again with the honesty, part of me is desperately hoping he won’t make it past one week and will realize that I’m enough to make him happy.)

He called me yesterday to check on how I was doing. (I guess to make sure I’m not suicidal? He saw what a mess I’d become when I was unemployed….) He sounded pretty miserable, and I felt bad about that because I had made an effort to sound really cheery when I answered the phone….but I can’t help but be mad at him. It hurt so much when he said that he felt he was doing the right thing. Afterall, that makes me the WRONG thing. And yet I was encouraging that last night….trying to convince myself that he was right.

Yeah….I’m a bit of a mess right now, even though I want to deny it to myself. My cousins daughter’s birthday party is this afternoon and I can’t figure out what I should do…go and face my life (including having to answer to everyone asking “where’s [the BF], is he coming today?”, or stay in and cry ’til my eyes hurt. I did the whole “on the verge of tears” yesterday, but apparently that didn’t help because I bawled my eyes out just now.

I guess it’s a process that I can’t rush. (But oh, how I want to rush it….get it over with…)

I’ll try not to turn this blog into a mopey mess, but I’m not always good at that, and when it comes down to it this blog has always been more of a journal for me than a how-to guide when it comes to finances. I hope you understand that, and I appreciate you sticking around.

My boyfriend broke up with me last night.

I’m not sure it’s completely set in quite yet, it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening. And yet I woke up this morning crying, and couldn’t go back to sleep. It was his idea, and while I can’t say it came out of nowhere, it did take me by surprise. I knew he was going through a personal/identity crisis, but I didn’t really think this is the direction he’d take it….

I can’t say I blame him. He doesn’t want to turn into his parents (bitter and resentful of each other), and I definitely don’t want him to be unhappy. I could be selfish, but would that really help me?

I’m not sure where to go from here. It hasn’t even been 12 hours, but I just want to skip over this suffering part. I just want to get out of my apartment and move on and pretend the last 8 years never happened.

The saddest part is I don’t have any real friends I can call to talk to. Which is why part of me kind of understands why this needs to happen….I need to learn to exist outside of our relationship. He says he doesn’t want me out of his life….and really, we know each other better than anyone else does so it’d be hard to break it off and never see each other again. But I’m afraid that in the back of my mind I’ll always be sitting around waiting, hoping that he’ll change his mind.

So I’m not sure what’s next. I guess I move on?

 

I mentioned in my last goals post that I had to schedule a laser follow up appointment….which made me realize I haven’t told you about it yet!!

So, let’s back up…I’ll make this quick, and try not to share TMI.

Basically, I hate shaving. I’ve come to terms with shaving my legs (I find that if I alternate shaving with using my “Silk-Epil” machine it’s a lot less irritating), however over the years shaving my underarms has become more and more painful. Not just that, but even if I’ve just shaved I still look like I have a shadow under my arms. It’s annoying.

My sister has been raving about laser hair removal for years now, and I even went in for a consultation a few years back.  I had them quote a bunch of different areas, and basically I could get my underarms for about $700, bikini for around $1300, and face for another $1200. Each 6 treatments or so, with a “lifetime warranty”. I was considering it pretty seriously, but in the end my mom told me to shop around some more.

Anyway, to get to the point….a few months ago my sister alerted me to the fact that laser companies were starting to offer up treatments on groupon. Usually 3-6 treatments for $50-100. So I started to keep an eye out. When I finally saw 6 treatments go for $100 I jumped on it!! I was going to get my underarms lasered!

A few weeks after that, Living Social posted another one…..this time, bikini line was an option….so I jumped on it too!

So that’s the story. I had my first underarm treatment a couple of weeks ago, and I’m due for the next one in 4-5 weeks (which is what I need to schedule). The first bikini treatment is this weekend! I know it’s a completely unnecessary expense, but it’s something I’ve really wanted to do, and I was willing to pull from my savings to finance it. Let’s hope it works!

(Moral of the story: listen to your mom. If I’d paid all that money for laser treatments back then I’d be so mad now!)

I  feel like I really tried last month to keep things in line. I’ve always worked well with weekly paychecks, and with such a straightforward budget it really should’ve been easy….but it wasn’t.

I guess I’ve just been out of practice, and since I got my tax refund mid-month the buffer didn’t really motivate me to be careful with the numbers. So….I’m making goals for the month in the hopes that I’ll be a little more disciplined. (And yes, I realize we’re practically mid-month, but late is better than never…)

May ’11 Goals

  1. Track expenses and report here each Friday. (Just like in the good old times…)
  2. Close my no-longer-free Chase Account (can you believe they’re charging me?! Jokes on them….there’s no money in my account! This includes checking, savings, and credit card.)
  3. Wrangle up the money to pay off my car. (Still haven’t done this….first I was waiting for the summary of all my past payments, then I just let it sit…time to get it done!

And for the non-finance stuff…

  1. Make my follow-up laser appointment. (Hm, just realized I hadn’t mentioned this….)
  2. Read one book. (Picking it up at the library on Friday…)
  3. Clean up my room. (You’d think with all the time I spent at home while unemployed, things would’ve been nice and clean…..but you’d be wrong.)

So kids, May is looking like it’ll be my regrouping month. I’m over the initial excitement of finally having a job (although I’m still enjoying it), and the reality of managing my finances is kicking back in. Wish me luck (and will power, lol).

P.S. Thanks for the comments and suggestions in the previous posts. A few comments I want to reply to regarding helping out with my budget:

“Get rid of the car”. Sadly this never occurred to me, but I think it’s worth it for me to have a car in this city. Everything is so far away from everything, and transit doesn’t really have it “together” here. I’d much rather pay up than complicate my life that much right now. (Geez, I feel like such a brat saying that…)

“Get a roommate”. Yikes! Another one I hadn’t considered…..(and another one that makes me sound like a spoiled brat) but mostly because I did the whole roommate thing in college and I don’t want to do that again. I’ve gotten so used to living on my own that the only roommate I’ll ever consider having is my boyfriend….and that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I’d rather move into a smaller place and still have that freedom. (Speaking of which, I should probably starting looking into new neighborhoods….)

You guys….I’m not sure if it’s too early to say this….but I really like my new job!

It’s been nearly a month, and I think I’ve gotten the hang of it. I’m still learning, of course, but I think I could stand on my own if I needed to. My days are busy enough that the time goes by in a snap. Best of all, I really like my co-workers!

For the first week I was terrified that I was going to disappoint everyone. They kept saying how the girl I was replacing had caught on really quickly, and that they were sorry she had to leave (…much to my disappointment. I would’ve preferred to hear that she was a horrid mess.) That got me worrying what if I didn’t catch on as quickly?!! What if I was an epic failure and I ended up unemployed once again?! (Which, I suppose is a testament to my state of mind and self-esteem after a year of being out of work….) Well, they’ve since made it clear that they are happy with my work. (And they think I’m smart! lol.)

I know I’m still in the honeymoon period, but I think it’s a good sign.

I’m 3 paychecks into the new job, and I’m starting to realize exactly how this lower pay is going to affect me. So, let’s talk numbers, shall we?

I knew before I accepted this job that if I was going to survive on $12/ hour I’d need to shift to a bare-bones budget. And really, I mean bare. No more dance classes in the budget, no more eating out (unless I include it in my groceries budget), no more miscellany. Even after cutting all that out I’d still be short. So I made the decision to take out my “irregular” line items from my budget….like license plates, car insurance, renters insurance. I’m obviously still going to have to pay them, but when I do they’ll have to come from my savings. [sigh]

And guess what? I was still short.

So I started thinking…maybe I should pay off my car?

Now, paying off my car would free up $229.50 each month. However I would still be about $180 beyond my means (meaning 4 paychecks wouldn’t cover my remaining expenses and I would still have to take money out of my savings to make it each month). On top of that it would also drain my savings by about $7,800.  The only thing that has me leaning towards paying it off is the psychological benefits…..1) it would feel better only taking $180 or so from my savings each month as opposed to $400+, and 2) it would feel GREAT knowing that I was finally rid of my car loan!

(Side bar: I was looking at my car payoff information and I noticed that they have my last payment date as 5/30/14. Which is 5 years after my first payment. That would all be fine and good except for the fact that I’d made a $500 payment last year….what happened to those two months it should’ve knocked off my loan?!!! Definitely looking into that…I don’t want to be robbed of my $500!)

For those wondering about the state of my savings, I currently have about $31k left, so taking out $8k would still leave me with about $23k. Which should be fine….

So, before I leave you all, here’s my “final” budget (with my car loan still in there):

Rent  $1,150.00  $13,800.00
Utilities  $   100.00  $  1,200.00
Groceries  $   150.00  $  1,800.00
Internet  $     45.00  $     540.00
Cellphone  $     40.00  $     480.00
Gas  $   150.00  $  1,800.00
Car Loan  $   229.50  $  2,754.00
Student Loans  $   167.25  $  2,007.00
Totals  $2,031.75  $24,381.00
Income  $1,623.52
Deficit  $   408.23

Oh, and a few footnotes….

  • The above assumes a 4-paycheck month.  5-week months will be a nice little bonus.
  • Yes, my rent is high. And I’m planning on moving to a smaller, cheaper place as soon as my lease runs out….which is in August.
  • There’s the occasional chance that I could get paid for overtime. However they only pay it on a per-project basis, so I’m not going to count on any of that. Bottom line is I need to budget for the worst case scenario, and this is it. (I hope.)
  • I need to negotiate my internet bill….

So, what do you think…..should I pay off my car loan?

I just wanted to drop in for a quick hello!

Friday marked the end of my 2nd week at the new job. All I can say is…wow. I’ve been super busy, and I’m enjoying it! No complaints just yet. I also got my very first paycheck yesterday. More on that another day though…

I’ve been wanting to just sit back and crank out a few posts…about my plans, goals, etc., but I’ve mostly been getting home exhausted after a long day and when I’m not napping I’ve been sewing! I have a big show coming up next week, and I’ve been using every free minute to try and boost my shop’s inventory for that.

On top of that, the BF has been staying with me for the past week. He’s currently homeless (short version: his apartment isn’t ready for him to move in, but he had to turn in the keys for the old one.), so that doesn’t leave a lot of time for anonymous PF blogging, lol. I’m actually enjoying it, but again, that’s another topic that’ll have to wait for another day…

So, a quick hello/good bye and I’ll be back in full swing in about a week! Thanks to everyone that has commented on my last posts, you guys really are awesome…

Have a great weekend!